Life is not Fair?

Life is fair in that it is unfair to everyone.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

That you may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he makes his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. Matthew 5:45

Farewell, For Now...

Me: Whatever you do don't panic, I'll never leave you
Isaiah: Ok mom
Me: I'll come back for you I promise
Mya: *sigh* k mom
Me: Stay right here no matter what
Isaiah:*smiling* You're acting like we're in a movie or something

First time purposefully leaving the kids in the Toy isle at Walmart while I grocery shop :)

Grateful

Tonight the kids went Trick-or-Treating. The evening was enjoyable, despite it being cold outside. Together the kids and I ended our night with hot chocolate from Tim Horton's. Since there is no school tomorrow, I let my children stay up later than usual. As I sit here alone, on this brown leather sectional that I saved up so long and hard for, I am reminded a little of my past.

Right now I'm wearing comfy new lounge gear from Victoria's Secret's, PINK sporty line. I've got my hoodie pulled up and my sweats are perfectly baggy and snug. I cringe as I hear a clicking sound, indicating that my heat is going to kick on once again. I'm cold so I welcome the warmth. What I am not welcoming so much is my Columbia Gas bill that I will be receiving shortly.

Not long ago I lived in subsidized (income based) housing. It wasn't the most ideal living arrangement but overall I can honestly say I enjoyed my stay there. I felt safe both during the day and at night. My car was never broken into, and most of my neighbors were relatively decent. Frequently, I was sought after to "lend-out" a roll of toilet paper here and there, a cup of sugar every other week, an occasional tampon, or measuring cup of dishwashing liquid. I didn't mind. I was away from home, usually at school, or one of my 3 jobs a majority of the time. I will admit, that sometimes it was tough for me to "lend a helping hand" to particular individuals who's lives consisted of smoking cigarettes, and drinking Mt. Dew all day while watching Divorce Court  on TV as their diaper donning infant wandered the parking lot unsupervised,...day after day.Nevertheless I faced a dilemma that I completely forgot all about until I heard the clicking sound I mentioned earlier. 

One of my neighbors, a single mom of three girls knocked on my door and asked to borrow $10. I remember, it was a Friday evening, and my children and I were getting in the car to leave for a church activity. Rarely did I ever "loan" out money. Truth be told, I didn't even have $10 on me, the only $30 that I did have was sitting in my checking account set aside as gas money. I apologized and went about my way, without thinking twice.

Upon returning from our activity, it was dark outside, muggy and hot, typical end of July weather. Through the front window of my neighbors house I noticed a faint glow. Closer up I realized that the glow was a candle flame. Trying not to be obvious I peered in the window, once again. I couldn't see much else but I heard my neighbors baby crying. I  unlocked the door to my place to get unloaded and settled in. I heard another knock at my front door.

It was the same neighbor from earlier asking if there was any way we could run an extension cord from my place to hers. Without making eye contact she stated that her electricity had been disconnected for non payment and she would appreciate electricity for a fan and one light. It was then that I noticed tears streaming down her cheeks. I then learned that all of the food in her refrigerator had spoiled, which is why she asked for money earlier to try and walk to McDonald's to get food for her children. I scoured through what little food I did have and I was able to scrounge up a few packets of Ramen noodle soup and 4 hot dogs. I also took over a pitcher of ice water. My other neighbor came over to help as well and offered the only thing she had (Mt Dew and cigarettes) which were graciously accepted by the mother.

Reminiscing back on this moment, I distinctly remember the feeling as if us "Welfare subjects", were isolated survivors on a dissolute island. Sharing all of what we had and showing compassion for each other on that hot summer evening was raw and genuine.  Attributes characterized perhaps by  nature, that just hadn't been tapped into so deeply before.

The rest of the story does not end in a very inspirational manner. The one night of "borrowing" my electricity turned into three nights, after which, this neighbor invited
more kids and adults to live with her, during this despairing ordeal  ...to be continued

I Wonder...

I knew for sure that...I would wake up this morning.
I never knew...being a mother would be so challenging.
I was so certain...once I graduated from nursing school, life would ease up.
If I only realized...how much Jesus really loves me I'd be so much more faithful and obedient.
I wish I understood...why God continues to be so incredibly good to me, regaurdless the pitfalls I place myself in.

Kissy Kiss

This evening, in effort of being the "cool" mom I think I am, I allowed my 2 children to stay up past their bedtime this Friday night. Not knowing what was good for me (as always), I was faced with carrying my 6 year old daughter up the stairs and into her bed. It's been a while since doing this, I must add that she is not a light load. I managed fine though, only once bumped her head (slightly) on the stair rail, and her feet on the door. As she lay asleep, undisturbed in her bed, I bent down to kiss her cheek. It was so precious. I'll admit there was much emotion backing the sweet peck I'd placed. Through my mind the thought played, "what if this was this kiss was the last kiss I could give her". It was then that I thought about the essence of a kiss. Why is it when we kiss that we suck in and produce a smacking sound with our lips? If we don't make the  kissy sound is the kiss still as kiss? I wonder if I'm cheating if I just let my lips touch, say my grandmothers face. Of course its not. What was I thinking. I guess in life kissing becomes one of those things we just do, without thinking. Unless of course it's a new subject that we're kissing. Wonder who first came up with it. Why not simply rub elbows or touch ears. Nonetheless, I like kissing, and I love Amya as well.

An Observation

Firetrucks and ambulances are like apples: they both come in either red or greenish yellow.
 

Air Max 2010's

A part of one of my closets

Last night in the Emergency Room we were swamped.
We received medic after medic with patients complaining of  chest pain, trouble breathing, seizures and suicide attempts.Several of the patients in the waiting room were currently vomiting into their emesis basins, others had their bodies shrewn out over the lobby furnature, ill and uncomfortable enough to neglect self dignity and modesty. I noted a female 13 weeks pregnant with twins was experiencing heavy vaginal bleeding. An  active miscarriage was evident. Just then, I heard our ambulance radio alarm with another medic encoding. This patient was assigned to me before arrival. I was instructed to prepare the trauma bay for a pt in acute respiratory distress. Being the primary nurse in situations such as this is challenging, yet rewarding. I immediately called pharmacy to stand by in the event of a Code Blue, as well as respiratory therapy due to the fact that the medics en route  report my patient's blood oxygen level is below 50% out of 100%. I delegate other nurses and techs to start additional IV's,get an EKG and connect monitoring equiptment. Before long my patient was stabilizing and arrangements were being made for me to transfer the patient to another hospital in the area. As I scurried around collecting paperwork and supplies to manage my patient's care, I could hear a biligerant young man screaming out violently. I purposefully walked past the glass sliding door of his room to sneek a closer peak. This intoxicated gentleman had been involved in an alceration and was bloodied from head to toe. He was uttering out curse words, swearing at who ever walked by, threatening us, and demanding us not to touch him and to leave him alone. Eventually physical restraints were ordered for the patient. In my mind, the first thing I noticed about this patient were the yellow and gray, brand new Air Max 2010's on his feet, splattered with blood. Gosh darn those were nice sneakers

Strange

In the recent past I've caught multiple awe inspiring thoughts rushing through my mind. For the past few years, when a "good one" cycles through I usually grab the nearest writing utensil and scribble down my idea on the corner of a bill or a receipt. Now, I'm not the most organized individual, so don't anticipate a top selling novel/collection of spontaneous and stimulating thoughts in the near future. Anyways, so I was leafing through a stack of old papers and happened to find the words "slanted room" scribbled down. Instantly I remembered when and why I wrote "slanted room". It was about 8 months ago I had a dream. In the dream I was in my old apartment. Some how, some way I discovered a totally new room in my apartment that I never knew  was there. When I stepped into the "new" room I gained the sensation that the floor was severely slanted. As I carefully walked across the floor, I felt as if I were walking down a hill on a balancing beam. This is all I remember about the dream. Actually I forgot that I'd ever had the dream. The most eerie thing about this dream is that  back in May I moved into a new town house. I didn't notice initially, but the floor of my new place slants downwards, throughout the whole home, but especially entering the den through the kitchen. Typically a comment I often get from new visitors is "wow...It kinda feels like I'm walking down hill towards the back". I, just now this evening,  experienced an epiphenomena in that I remembered the dream from the scribbled note I wrote on the paper also, I can not deny the fact that my home does have a downward slant, exactly like I dreamed about beforehand...strange.

Fact

My greatest weakness is that I have a high tolerance for B.S.

Truth

My greatest strength is that I have a high tolerance for B.S.

Question

If a person knows that they are in denial, are they in denial anymore?

Oh So Simple

Right now I'm drinking Fruit Punch Gatorade out of a wine glass while laying on the floor of my den under a ceiling fan. I'm dripping wet with sweat because I just finished my 5 mile run. Life is good.

I Could Care Less...

I caught myself saying this phrase today: " I could care less" .  The circumstances of this statement are irrelevant. However, I thought, and then had to think again. What I really meant was this: in this particular situation, there is absolutely nothing on this earth that I could care less about than this. Not "well yeah, I guess there are a few things that I could care less about" Is it just me? Have I been saying this wrong for all of these years?

 So, quickly...., here are just a few things that I truly could not care less about.............Wow, every single one of them seems to be escaping me right now.

Never mind,now I'm confused.

If You Asked Me...

Ok, so I was at the YMCA working out, when I overheard these two older gentlemen talking. It was nothing out of the ordinary, you know, things you hear when you aren't even really listening. The conversation went something like this:
JIM:" Well Randy, I'm gonna get out of here, gotta go get my teeth cleaned; you know I have my class reunion coming up the end of this month"(this made me smile...love genuine honesty)

RANDY: OK Jimmy, take it easy.Carolyn and I are going to Simon Kenton Farms for supper tonight I'll see you around.

JIM: You know, if you ask me, they ought to do away with all that fancy table dressing and serve their food just normally. I'm telling you, they'd see so many more people.It's just SO darn pricey"

I'll just end the story here. Isn't it funny how we as people say, " You know, if you ask me...?'............. It's not the so much the details of this story that entertain me. Here, I'll type it once more, '''''"IF YOU ASK ME..."''''  I appreciate how we as humans develop conversations of flow and dialgoue with harmless links of words such as this. I got a kick out of this convo because while sitting on the leg press I was thinking: well...,sir, nobody asked you. I must add that coming from a different host this comment could possibly be interpreted with concieted intent. However the gray sweatpants wearing subject  before me today, sporting yellowing aged Asics appeared humble and meek.

...Guilty!

555-555-5555 ring ring ring, ring ring ring "Please don't answer, please don't answer,please don't answer*saying in my mind*...voicemail. Yes! mental celebration: I get credit for that call and didn't even have to talk, now the balls on their court. :)  Hate when this has to happen, but gosh it feels good when it does.

On Guard!

U- town is treating me pretty well. It was funny, we were at Domino's Pizza and saw approximately 2 or 3 police cars drive by with their lights and sirens on, then a squad and a firetruck .Isaiah spotted another cop car in the parking lot at Tim Horton's coffee shop. He panicked suddenly and shouted mom, how come that one isn't going? What is it doing!? It's just sitting there!!! Without thinking I said, someone needs to stay behind to watch the rest of the city...I started laughing after that because it was probably the truth.

Is This Real Life? On a Serious Note.

So I'm twenty seven years old. I guess I could type out the actual numbers: 27. Unsure of which one appears closer to zero. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I want to be young(er) again. As I look in the mirror at my body...my hair, my nails, my scars...even the feel of the saliva in my mouth I still am unable to comprehend just how temporary my days in this world are. One day I'm not going to be here any more. If only I could understand, If only it could get through to me. I would do things so much differently. So Lord, count this as my prayer please. I need your help right now more than ever. Teach me that its not whats outward that counts. Help me not to waste time. I believe...I really believe that the flesh is never satisfied. You've got to help my unbelief. God, Satan's lies seem so true. They are so believable. I need like never before to be revived. I sense a need for breakthrough. Help me break through God. Have you cut me off already? I feel so far away from you right now. I've given into my lust when I knew it was wrong. I'm such a wretch. I realize that you already know this, help me to realize it. I'm so easily tempted. I give in so easily. There where nobody else sees, I do wrong. It's written that you are quick to forgive, quick to throw all of my faults into the sea of forgetfulness. I am so sick of the way I am, it nauseates me to write any further. As I lay down tonight will you give me a clean heart. Please strengthen my spirit, please God. I'm in so much pain right now. If I can't be close to you, right in your arms I don't want to live. You hear my prayer, please don't give up on me, not yet. I know I can do it with your help.

Poppin Bottles!

Ok so finally I get to put some of these compassionate, all embracing, therapeutic communication skills I learned in  nursing school to practice. As a nurse, naturally, we are trained to be non judgmental regarding patient care. Thus far I have embraced these opportunities. My mentality was no different when I walked into my patients room and asked during the initial assessment "So, what underlying health issues do you have?" I then learned that my patient was a young homosexual, HIV positive African American male. I sighed inside with a smile and thought, 'this will be good for me, this is what I signed up for'. My patient was relatively compliant. He was funny and warm. Because his labs were "off", the physician ordered that we draw blood cultures from him. He was a hard stick, after eventually puncturing a vein, I held the butterfly needle in place with one hand and single handedly flipped off the top of the culture bottle ( they are similar in shape to a glass Coke bottle only a little smaller) in order to complete the task at hand as seamlessly as possible. Watching my handiwork, my patient gleefully shouted "Uhhh Ohhh, We poppin bottles up in here! This is where it's at". Thank you for this patient. I laugh every time I step into room #27

Maple Trees

I'm learning that maple trees are not your friend. Particularly when you have to park under one. Especially if your car is white...that's all.

Waiting patiently for you Aladore Montgomery

Although you aren't born yet I think of you often. "Who is Al ?" you might ask....my future Blue Great Dane, I'd tell you. Ever since I was a little girl I knew that I would own one someday.  My life will not be complete until his magesiticness is in my presence. Don't worry boy, mums working on plans to prepare for your arrival soon. You stay right where are you. When the time is right I just know I'll find the perfect breeder and our paths will finally cross...*sigh*...destiny.

According to me...Pure Randomness

1.I love to decorate (even though I'm a little cookie cutter about it)
2. I run to stay healthy, to feel great and when I'm stressed
3. I love my kids names ( Isaiah and Amya)...lol I love them too!
4. I like being bored...really i do
5. I'm a sucker for Nike Air Maxes and Shox
6. I love Victoria's Secret's "PINK"sporty line (I've probably out grown it though)
7. Can't type or text very fast
8. Just ate 3 Neapolitan ice cream sandwiches back to back
9. Wish I could sing
10. I love all primary colors equally
12. My favorite song is called "For those tears I died"
13. I don't ever want to be famous
14. I never wear jewelry
15 My favorite fragrance is Hypnose by Lancome
16.Didn't think Twilight was all that...at all
17. I have a great memory
18. I like pets
19. I love helping people
20.Didn't really care when MJ died, and I don't feel bad about it
21. I strive to maintain a positive attitude
22. Wish I was closer to my bros and sis's
23. I love cotton candy
24. I hate when people ask questions they already know the answers to
25. I don't chew gum very often
26. I kill house plants ( not purposely)
27. I love rainbows
28. Want to run a marathon one day
29. Need to use coupons on a regular basis
30. I'd like to earn a brown belt in karate
31. Will learn to play the trombone
32. I am beautiful
33. Think it would be cool to get married in a hot air balloon
34. Jk about the married stuff, just a ride would be cool
35. Want to own a tortoise
36. Would love to cook a great steak dinner (and have it turn out the same every time)
37 Hope this list doesn't make me seem like I'm full of myself
38. Even though I'm not suppose to, I like hot dogs
39. My favorite ice cream is chocolate chip cookie dough ( I don't eat the choc chips though-they just get in the way)
40. I can listen to the same songs over and over again without getting tired of them
41. I am both easily excitable and entertained
43. "Driven" is a word I like to use to describe myself
44. Hope you didn't notice that #42 was missing
45. I hate eating banana's but I love banana flavored things
46. I am creative
47. I am very unorganized, but I can be good at faking it
48. I've been sleeping at the foot of my bed every night for the past 3 months
49. I could eat breakfast foods for every meal
50. I hate ending things in even numbers (like the TV volume #, or # for time while microwaving food)
51. See?

Hate that I just took time out of my life to write this list but hopefully you'll know a little more about me!

The Big Chop!

Ok, so I’m positive that I want to go forward with this dreadlock idea I came up with this past January. Back when it was time to make a New Year’s resolution I decided that I wasn’t just gonna come up with one objective goal, but instead simply dedicate the entire year to making small, sometimes invisible changes for the year that would benefit me from the inside out, therefore my motto for this year has been: Surrender 2010. Since then I have not gotten a relaxer/perm. More importantly though I am learning more about myself (selfish ambitions included), what I like and don’t like and who I am and who I really want to be, and lets not forget also how far I am off track.
Anyways, in order to obtain locs (I’ve learned that this is the proper terminology not “dreadlocks”) you have to start with “virgin hair”. This means that the hair must be natural, having never been chemically treated. Therefore as a  loc lusting candidate I am forced to cut off all of the hair I have that has been previously relaxed/permed. This happens to be pretty much all but 2 inches, thus indicating “The Big Chop” that’s in store. As of now, I have no reservations and am looking forward to this liberating moment.

Hello world!

So I spontaneously decided to start a blog mainly to kinda  journal about my, spiritual progress, life as I transition into my new role as a Critical Care nurse in the Emergency Room, as well as my journey of developing (hopefully) dreadlocks. I also figured what the heck, why not add my goal of becoming financially sound and stable. Wow and while I’m at it why not include my progress on the fitness challenge I’m in. Hopefully this will be intresting, I suppose it's all relative.